Closeness
in
Love
by Lovers In Training™
loversintraining.org
Closeness
in
Love
loversintraining.org
Draft Copy
Revised October 9, 2009
Graphics are spaceholder versions only.
Copy and Share This Book
This book is Copyright © 2009 Lovers In Training™ Worldwide.
It is also "copylefted" so you can copy and share
it with very few restrictions.
/^creative
VCOmmonS The text of this book is i icense d under the
Creative Commons Share Alike License. More information about
this license is available at:
http://creativecommons.0rg/licenses/by-sa/3.O/us
Lovers In Training™ software is free and open
source software licensed under the GNU General Public License.
More information about this license is available at:
http://www.gnu.org/licenses/gpl-3.0-standalone.html
Lovers In Training™ material is distributed in the hope that it
will be useful but without any warranty; without even the
implied warranty of merchantability or fitness for a particular
purpose. Use it at your own risk. See the applicable licenses
for more details.
The names Closeness in Love™, Lovers In Training™, and
Healing the Me I See in You™ and the logo of the two merged
hearts are trademarks of Lovers In Training™ Worldwide, and
may only be used with permission. Permission is
automatically granted to copy them in any complete verbatim
copies and translations of our work.
I am my beloved's, and
my beloved is mine.
— Song of Solomon 6:3
Dedicated to you who are
becoming a better lover — of
God, your neighbor, and
yourself — by becoming a
better lover in your romantic
relationship.
Table of Contents
Introduction 1
Our Desire for Closeness 3
Kinds of Closeness 5
Physical Closeness 6
Sexual Closeness 6
Intellectual Closeness 7
Emotional Closeness 7
Spiritual Closeness 8
Custom Blends of Closeness 8
Ingredients of Closeness 9
Depth of Closeness 9
Frequency of Closeness 9
Duration of Closeness 10
Blending the Ingredients of Closeness 10
How Much Closeness? 13
Venn and the Art of Love 14
Comfort Ranges of Closeness 17
Working with the Numbers 17
Closeness for Singles 19
Closeness in Choosing Partners 19
Practicing Closeness 20
Mismatched Desires For Closeness 25
Not Enough Closeness 26
Too Much Closeness 26
Closeness Healing 27
Don't Take it Personal 27
Healing the Me I See in You 28
Deepening Closeness 30
Healing Gatherings 33
Begin at Home 33
Gather in Meeting Places 34
Spread the Healing 35
Christian Tantra 37
Shared Participation in Novel and Arousing Activities 37
What is Christian Tantra? 38
Heating Water 39
Lovemaking with Prayer 40
Exercises 41
Venn and the Art of Closeness 41
If Only My Partner Would Change 43
Feeling Your Feelings 44
Who Bothers You, and How 46
Healing the Me I See in You™ 47
Overview 47
Feelings 47
Zoom Lens Tool 48
Tightening and Your Breath 48
The Steps — Explained 48
The Steps — By Example 55
Inner Peace — Concepts 57
Overview 57
Imagining 58
Healing Issues 58
Creating States 59
Labeling Issues and States 60
Top Twenty Issues 61
What's in the Way? 61
Involving All Three Brains 62
Exploring Two Futures 63
Crash and Burn 64
Victory and Beyond 64
Then What? 65
Exploring for Others 65
Willingness and Ability 67
Pictures, Sounds, and Feelings 67
Letting Go 68
Percentages of an Issue 69
No Percentages of a State 70
Learning New Ways of Living 70
Giving Yourself Credit 71
Feeling Gratitude 71
Is the Issue Really Gone? 71
Automatically Letting Go of Issues 72
Inner Peace — Steps 73
Issue Let Go Process 73
State Creation Process 87
Inner Peace — Issue Finding 97
Conflicting Issues 97
Worst Fears 98
Attachments 98
Unattained Goals 98
Negative Emotions 99
Horrible Memories 99
Horrible Fantasies 100
Control 100
Resistances and Avoidances 100
Repressions 101
Denials 101
Fear of Losing Your Gains 101
Beyond Your Negative Issues 102
Beyond Ideal 102
What Can I Do? 103
Resources 105
Healing the Me I See in You™ 105
Lovers In Training™ 107
Christian Tantra 107
Inner Peace 108
HeartLand Aramaic Mission 108
Books 109
Sources of this Work Ill
Mismatched Desires For Closeness Ill
Closeness Healing Partners 112
Venn Diagrams 112
Healing the Me I See in You™ 112
Inner Peace 113
Issue Finding 1 13
When Would Now Be a Good Time? 114
Feelings Exercise 114
Lovers In Training™ Statement of Being 1 14
Christian Tantra 1 14
All Shall Be Well 115
Copies of this Book 117
Updates 117
Other Languages 118
Audio and Video 118
Supporting this Work 119
Prayer 1 19
Do Your Own Healing 1 19
Share Healing with Your Friends 1 19
Media Help 120
Graphics and Videos 120
Internet Networking 120
Personal Networking 121
Translations 121
Nonprofit Legal and Organizational Help 121
Financially Supporting This Work 122
Introduction
This book is intentionally short. It can be read in
one or two sittings, even out loud. Read it by
yourself. Then share it. Read it out loud with your
partner and your friends.
Organize healing gatherings around this work.
Invite your friends. Invite some friends you haven't
met yet.
Most of the ideas in this book are presented by
example. Some of the examples are about
closeness in general. Some are about closeness in
a specific area, such as emotional closeness.
This book doesn't even try to be politically
correct. The names of the people in the examples
were chosen for ease of reading. Short, American
names are mostly used. Couples names begin
with the same first letter. If your name is longer,
from another culture, or begins with a different
first letter than your partner, the principles of
Closeness in Love™ will still apply.
For simplicity, the examples all use
heterosexual couples, usually married. The
principles of Closeness in Love™ apply to people in
other kinds of relationships, too. Some of these
principles even apply to relationships where no
romance is involved. For simplicity, this book
focuses on romantic relationships.
Closeness in Love™ - 2nd Draft - Rev. 10/09/09 - Page 1
This book doesn't even try to use formal
English. Instead, it uses the English that many
people use when they talk to each other. For
example, instead of saying things like "with
whom," it ends sentences with prepositions. It
also uses contractions, like "isn't" and "doesn't."
This book doesn't have any footnotes. They're
left out on purpose. This book isn't meant to be a
scholarly writing. In the back of the book there's
an appendix about the sources of this work.
There are exercises near the end of this book.
Enjoy them by yourself, with your partner, and in
groups.
Tell your friends about this book. Sharing the
ideas in it will help deepen your understanding of
them. Once taught, twice learned. You might
inspire some healing, not only in them, but in
yourself, too.
Enjoy your healing. Enjoy your closeness.
With love,
Lovers In Training 7
loversintraining.org
Closeness in Love™ - 2nd Draft - Rev. 10/09/09 - Page 2
Chapter 1
Our Desire for Closeness
We enter into love relationships because we want
to be close. Or so we say.
We all have our comfort zones for closeness in
love. With too much closeness, or too little, we're
uncomfortable.
As with most things in life, we have our own
preferences. Some people like a lot of closeness.
Others prefer less.
There's no right or wrong level of closeness in
love. There's only whatever' s right for you and
your partner.
With this book, you will learn a deeper
understanding of closeness. You will learn about
different kinds of closeness, the ingredients of
closeness, and ways to measure closeness. You
will learn how to apply closeness in love to bring
healing into your love relationship or to help you
create one.
Closeness in Love™ - 2nd Draft - Rev. 10/09/09 - Page 3
You will learn about fears of closeness and fears
of separateness. You will learn about unhealthy
cravings for closeness and separateness. You will
learn about unhealed wounds that drive those
fears and cravings and learn about some free self
help tools to heal those wounds in yourself.
Use them and heal. When would now be a good
time?
Closeness in Love™ - 2nd Draft - Rev. 10/09/09 - Page 4
Chapter 2
Kinds of Closeness
There are many ways to be close. For an easier
understanding, we break closeness down into five
kinds. These divisions are artificial. We couldve
used more, or less.
They overlap some. For example, sexual
closeness could've been combined with physical
closeness. Because it's so important to so many
people in love relationships, we gave sexual
closeness its own category. (Also, for single people
who are saving sex for marriage, it does not yet
apply.)
Any attempt to put labels on human behavior
will lack something. Still, dividing closeness into
these five chunks gives us a better understanding
of closeness in love relationships. How do you eat
a watermelon? One bite at a time.
Closeness in Love™ - 2nd Draft - Rev. 10/09/09 - Page 5
Physical Closeness
Amy and Al love being together. When they walk
down the street together, they like to walk arm in
arm or holding hands. When they watch TV, they
like to sit right next to each other on a love seat.
When they go out to eat together, they like to sit
side by side in a booth seat.
Betty and Bill like to keep their distance. She
likes to watch her favorite TV shows in the family
room. He likes to watch his in the den. They like
having separate bedrooms, each with its own
bathroom.
Sexual Closeness
Cindy and Carl like hot, passionate sex, for hours
on end, often.
Donna and Dave like to have sex only once in a
while, and nothing too intense, or for very long.
Ellen and Ed like lots of intercourse in their sex.
Fran and Felix like to share lots of sexual
stroking, but not much intercourse.
Gloria and Guy are celibate and do not share
sexual closeness.
Closeness in Love™ - 2nd Draft - Rev. 10/09/09 - Page 6
Intellectual Closeness
Helen and Henry like sharing lots of intellectual
ideas with one another.
Ivy and Issac have a lot of intellectual ideas, but
prefer not to discuss them much.
Jenny and Joe love sharing ideas and stories
about auto racing, but have no interest in
discussing literature.
Kathy and Ken love sharing ideas and theories
about literature, but have no interest in
discussing auto racing.
Linda and Larry aren't very interested in
intellectual ideas, so they don't have much to
share in this area.
Emotional Closeness
Mary and Mike feel their emotions very deeply and
love sharing them with each other.
Nora and Neil feel their emotions very deeply,
but don't like sharing them.
Olivia and Oscar don't connect with their
emotions much, so they don't have much to share
in this area.
Closeness in Love™ - 2nd Draft - Rev. 10/09/09 - Page 7
Spiritual Closeness
Patty and Pete love to pray together. They love to
begin their day with each of them saying a prayer
out loud with each other. They love to pray
together, out loud, before each meal. They love
ending their day with prayer together. They
especially love to pray together while making love.
Rita and Roger are both very spiritual, but they
prefer to do their prayers by themselves.
Sally and Sid don't connect with their
spirituality much, so they don't have much to
share in this area.
Custom Blends of Closeness
Tina and Tom love to sit close and touch each
other when they're together, but don't like to talk
about their feelings.
Violet and Vic love to share their feelings with
each other, but don't like much physical
closeness.
Wendy and Walt love to share closeness in every
area except their spirituality, where they follow
different spiritual paths.
Closeness in Love™ - 2nd Draft - Rev. 10/09/09 - Page 8
Chapter 3
Ingredients of Closeness
In this chapter, we'll explore three different
ingredients of closeness: depth, frequency, and
duration. Each of these ingredients applies to
each of the five kinds of closeness.
Depth of Closeness
When Angela and Art share ideas, they like to
explore them deeply. Back and forth they ask each
other questions like, "What about this?" and
"What if that?"
When Bonnie and Bob talk about ideas, they
mostly prefer to just cover the basics. That's
usually enough for them.
Frequency of Closeness
Charity and Chuck like to touch each other often
when they're together.
Closeness in Love™ - 2nd Draft - Rev. 10/09/09 - Page 9
Destiny and Dick like to touch each other, but
not very often.
Duration of Closeness
Eve and Eric like to go on for hours sharing their
feelings.
Faith and Fred like to share their feelings, but
only in small spurts.
Blending the Ingredients of Closeness
Grace and Gary like sharing all three
ingredients of closeness. They love being with
each other and connecting deeply almost all the
time.
They love that they work together, full time,
from home. Their desks are side by side so they
can see each other's computer screens when they
want to show each other something.
They like to talk to each other and touch each
other a lot, throughout the day, every day. Often,
they make love on their lunch break. When they
go out, they like to go out together.
Hope and Harry like to connect with each other,
deeply, every Saturday night. Sometimes, they
stay up until sunrise, connecting on every kind of
closeness physical, sexual, intellectual,
emotional, and spiritual.
Closeness in Love™ - 2nd Draft - Rev. 10/09/09 - Page 10
Iris and Ike like sharing lots of closeness, but
have very busy careers. They both travel a lot, and
they hardly ever see each other.
So, they find ways to make the most of the time
they have. About once a month, they like to carve
out a long weekend together where they block out
everything else and connect with each other very
deeply, with every kind of closeness — physical,
sexual, intellectual, emotional, and spiritual — for
three or four days straight.
Closeness in Love™ - 2nd Draft - Rev. 10/09/09 - Page 11
Lovers in Training™ does not solicit
donations. When other charities
do, think of us.
Closeness in Love™ - 2nd Draft - Rev. 10/09/09 - Page 12
Chapter 4
How Much Closeness?
We can usually recognize closeness when we
have it. Sometimes we notice that it's gone if we
lose it. We might even recognize it in other
couples. How can we easily describe it?
Some things are easy to measure. Most of us
know how old we are and how many children we
have. We know, roughly, about how long we've
been married or divorced, and how much money
we have in the bank. How can we measure
closeness?
How much closeness do we want? How can we
say that in a way that we'll all know how much
closeness each other is talking about?
Closeness in Love™ - 2nd Draft - Rev. 10/09/09 - Page 13
Venn and the Art of Love
GOOD GOOD
CD) © O
One way to measure and describe how much
closeness we mean is to use Venn diagrams. The
seven Venn diagrams above show seven different
levels of closeness. At level 1, the two circles are
barely touching. At level 7, they almost completely
overlap.
Closeness Level 1
Ashley and Andy almost never connect, and never
very deeply or for very long.
Closeness in Love™ - 2nd Draft - Rev. 10/09/09 - Page 14
Closeness Level 2
Bridget and Ben connect once in a great while,
hardly ever very deeply or for very long.
Closeness Level 3
Connie and Curtis like to connect occasionally,
not often very deeply or for very long.
Closeness Level 4
Denise and Dan like to connect some, but there's
a limit to how deep they like to get with each
other. Each of them has more of their life that
they have to themselves than they share with each
other.
Closeness in Love™ - 2nd Draft - Rev. 10/09/09 - Page 15
Closeness Level 5
Edna and Ernie regularly connect deeply with
some kinds of closeness, sometimes for long
periods of time. They have about as much of their
life that they share with each other as either of
them has to themselves.
Closeness Level 6
Freida and Fred mostly connect deeply with most
kinds of closeness, mostly for long periods of time.
They share more of their lives with each other
than either of them has to themselves.
Closeness Level 7
Gina and Greg are living their closeness together
as a way of life, with ongoing deep closeness on
every level.
Closeness in Love™ - 2nd Draft - Rev. 10/09/09 - Page 16
Comfort Ranges of Closeness
Heather and Hank recognized that they have a
range of closeness they like. Sometimes, they
want a deep, level 7 connection, but not for too
long or too often. On an every day basis, they
prefer a level 6 connection and, if they slip to a a
level 5, one of them will notice it and do
something to bring them back closer together.
Ida and Ivan saw that they usually like their
closeness around a level 2. Whenever it starts
getting much above level 3, one of them will do
something to bring it back closer to level 2, where
they are more comfortable.
Working with the Numbers
Jane isn't big into numbers. She figures he's a 3
overall on closeness, and that's good enough
for her.
Kent is a big baseball fan. On the subject of
baseball, he's a 7.
He has no limits on frequency or duration. He'll
connect about baseball with anybody, anytime,
even in the winter, when most of his friends at
work are following the football playoffs.
He has found a whole circle of friends on the
Internet that he can connect with about baseball,
year round, anytime of the day, for hours on end.
Closeness in Love™ - 2nd Draft - Rev. 10/09/09 - Page 17
Len figures he's a 5 overall, but likes to chunk
things into workable pieces. He says that on
intellectual and spiritual closeness he's more of
a 4, and on physical, sexual, and emotional
closeness he's more of a 6.
Marie has a number for every aspect of her
closeness. She has a number for overall closeness
and an number for each kind of closeness. She
has numbers for where she goes when she goes
deep and where she goes when she pulls back.
She knows about how often she usually does each
and for how long.
She has also figured out all the same numbers
for her husband, Matt, and their relationship.
Closeness in Love™ - 2nd Draft - Rev. 10/09/09 - Page 18
Chapter 5
Closeness for Singles
Closeness isn't just for people who are married or
in a relationship.
Closeness in Choosing Partners
April and Aaron are single and not in
relationships, but they each want to find partners.
Each of them have learned what is most
important for them in closeness.
April likes being emotionally close. She likes to
connect deeply, frequently, and for long periods of
time, and wants that in a husband. She also likes
lots of physical touch, and wants a husband she
can share that with.
Aaron is deeply involved in his faith. He wants a
wife he can share that with.
They both like antiques, and like to connect on
that subject a lot. However, they both realize that
Closeness in Love™ - 2nd Draft - Rev. 10/09/09 - Page 19
they don't need to share that with a romantic
partner.
When they meet potential partners, they
discuss their desires for closeness before getting
very involved with them. They only date people
with similar desires for closeness to theirs.
Practicing Closeness
With Friends
April and Aaron met at an antique auction. They
became good friends and enjoy spending time
with each other, but they don't have a romantic
connection.
Aaron learned about closeness from April and,
from what she said about it, he felt that she was
more comfortable with closeness than he was. He
also recognized that he wanted to learn to become
more comfortable with being close.
April recognized that, while she believes and
says that she wants a lot of emotional and
physical closeness, she hasn't had much of either
in her life. She wondered if she wasn't kidding
herself.
April suggested to Aaron that they practice
closeness with each other as closeness healing
partners. She said that by practicing closeness
Closeness in Love™ - 2nd Draft - Rev. 10/09/09 - Page 20
together, they had two possible outcomes. First of
all, by getting more comfortable with closeness,
they would be even more ready for a relationship
when they met their marriage partners. She also
said that it was even possible that they could
become so close to each other that they could fall
in love and want to stay together. Either way, they
could only win.
Aaron considered the idea. He had always
wanted to be a better lover. At first, he was
concerned that spending time practicing closeness
with April might distract him from his search for a
wife. Then, he realized that his search for a wife
hadn't found him one so far. He figured that
practicing closeness with April and learning how
to be a better lover could make him more ready for
the relationship he had been praying for.
April and Aaron decided to try being closeness
healing partners and see how it works. They are
spending more time together and getting more
comfortable with closeness. They recently found a
church they both like, and they are now sharing
spiritual closeness, too.
By practicing closeness with Aaron, April
realized that she was more afraid of being close
than she had thought and the closeness healing
is helping her work through her barriers to
closeness. She also found that, besides having
fears of closeness, she had some fears of
Closeness in Love™ - 2nd Draft - Rev. 10/09/09 - Page 21
separateness. Because of those fears, some of her
cravings for closeness were unhealthy. She is now
healing the wounds that were driving her
unhealthy behavior.
Aaron is learning how to be close, and liking it.
He especially likes being comfortable sharing his
feelings with April. He had never believed that he
could do that with anybody.
He is also recognizing some of his fears to
closeness. He saw that he had some unhealed
wounds. He noticed that when those wounds
would get activated, he would tend to withdraw.
He likes the healing he's getting, and is less afraid
of closeness.
With Ex Spouses
Beth and Barry are divorced, but still good
friends. Neither of them is in a relationship now.
When they were together, they shared a lot of
closeness in certain areas.
Barry learned about closeness healing, and
realized that he and Beth had unhealed wounds
that had interfered with their closeness. He
suggested to Beth that they work together as
closeness healing partners, not to get back
together, but as a way to heal and help each other
heal.
Closeness in Love™ - 2nd Draft - Rev. 10/09/09 - Page 22
Beth thought about it and said that she wanted
to heal, too. She said that felt safe about doing it
with Barry. She didn't think they would end up
back together, but, if they really healed their
barriers to closeness, who knows? Either way,
they could only win.
With New Acquaintances
Claudia and Craig met at a church group. They
had both been praying for marriage partners for
themselves and started praying for a marriage
partner for each other. When they learned about
practicing closeness, they decided to be closeness
healing partners for each other.
After a few months, Craig ran into his old
girlfriend, Christine, downtown. Christine noticed
the changes in Craig right away. Christine and
Craig got back together. They are now engaged,
and Claudia is going to give Craig away at the
wedding. Meanwhile, Claudia met Clyde, and they
are also engaged. Craig is going to be her "Man of
Honor."
With Couples Who Used to Date
Dorene and Don used to date. They broke up,
but stayed friends. Dorene learned about
closeness healing. She wanted to do some healing
around closeness and deepen her ability to be
Closeness in Love™ - 2nd Draft - Rev. 10/09/09 - Page 23
closer. She asked Don if he would be her
closeness healing partner. He said, "Yes." Two
weeks later, they're dating again, are closer than
ever, and learning how to be even closer.
With Couples Who Are Separated and Divorcing
Erica and Ernie were separated and headed for
a divorce. They realized that they used to be close,
and they had let it slip away.
They realized that if they didn't figure out how
to maintain closeness in love, they would each
have the same problem in their next relationship.
So, they're now practicing closeness with each
other as closeness healing partners.
They're back together and both learning how to
be the best lovers they can be, for their own sakes.
They're still not sure if they'll stay together, but
they're more hopeful.
Closeness in Love™ - 2nd Draft - Rev. 10/09/09 - Page 24
Chapter 6
Mismatched Desires
For Closeness
Sometimes, the closeness one partner wants is
not the same as the other partner wants.
In the movie Annie Hall, there's a part with two
scenes happening at the same time, on a split
screen. On one side of the screen, Alvy's in his
therapist's office and, on the other side, Annie's in
her therapist's office.
Their therapists ask them each how often they
have sex. Alvy complains, "Hardly ever!" then
adds, as an afterthought, "Maybe three times a
week." Annie complains, "Constantly!" then adds,
as an afterthought, "I'd say three times a week."
It'd seem logical that most people would couple
up with partners with matching desires for
closeness. If logic governed love, this might be
true. However, many couples are mismatched in
their desires for closeness.
Closeness in Love™ - 2nd Draft - Rev. 10/09/09 - Page 25
What are some signs of a closeness mismatch?
Maybe you've heard, or even said, some of what's
in the next two sections.
Not Enough Closeness
Barbara complains, "We don't spend enough
quality time together."
Chip says, "Carol never wants to spend time
with me."
Darla moans, "Don ignores me."
Elizabeth says, "We're like two ships passing."
Finn complains, "I want us to do more things
together."
George wails, "We're not even a couple."
Too Much Closeness
Hanna asserts, "I need my space."
Irving says, "Isis never leaves me alone."
Julia complains, "Joshua's always in my face."
Kim says, "Kurt's always after me."
Lou moans, "I feel smothered."
Megan wails, "I need time to be me."
Closeness in Love™ - 2nd Draft - Rev. 10/09/09 - Page 26
Chapter 7
Closeness Healing
Don't Take it Personal
Abby and Alex had different comfort levels for
closeness. She wanted more closeness than he
did. Alex told her that it was her fault that he
wasn't close to her.
Abby was taking it personal. She would say to
herself and her friends things like, "If only I were
(prettier, smarter, younger,
lighter, happier, more confident, . . . ) ,
then Alex would be closer to me." Alex reinforced
these beliefs.
One day, Abby was telling her sad story to
Becky. Becky said, "That's fooey! If you were to
completely transform and change everything Alex
complains about, he would probably find some
other reason to not be close to you. It's not about
him or what he says or does. It's about healing
yourself."
Closeness in Love™ - 2nd Draft - Rev. 10/09/09 - Page 27
Abby thought about it and realized Becky was
right. She asked Becky what she'd suggest for
healing her closeness issues. Becky told her about
this book and the idea of self help healing.
Healing the Me I See in You
Becky told Abby about the free self help process
called Healing the Me I See in You™. She said that it
was easy to learn, easy to teach, and easy to do.
She said that Abby could use the process by
herself, or with Alex. Becky told Abby how it had
helped her heal in her relationship with Bart.
Abby said had wanted to heal for a long time.
Becky asked her, "When would now be a good
time?" Abby said, "Let's go for it!"
First, Becky walked Abby through the process
once. In less than a half hour, Abby realized she
had been blaming Alex for how she was feeling,
when she was creating the feelings in herself all
along. She felt much better.
Becky then asked Abby to walk her through the
process so Abby could see it from another point of
view. Abby was reluctant at first. She said she'd
never counseled anybody before.
Becky assured Abby that is was a self help tool,
and that all she needed to do was follow the steps
in the book. Following the steps in the book, Abby
Closeness in Love™ - 2nd Draft - Rev. 10/09/09 - Page 28
asked Becky each question, one at a time, just like
Becky had done with her, and waited for Becky's
answer. Abby got a much deeper understanding of
how the process worked, and Becky healed an
issue she hadn't even realized she had.
Then, Becky showed Abby the online version of
the process. At first, Abby was concerned about
writing her feelings on the Internet. Becky
explained that the process was designed to be
confidential, and that nothing she entered was
sent over the Internet. Then she unplugged the
Internet cable and showed Abby how the program
still kept working, without being connected to the
Internet. Abby liked the confidentiality.
Becky had Abby do the process on herself, out
loud, with Becky there standing by in case she got
stuck on anything. Abby did the whole process by
herself and felt great about it.
Abby was ready to heal stuff that had been
bothering her for a long time, and she now had a
tool to do it with. She cut back on watching TV,
reading magazines, and chatting on the Internet
so she could spend more time on her healing. She
used the process on everything she could think of
that she thought was bothering her about Alex.
She noticed that there were many things that
she was blaming other people about, too, going all
the way back to her childhood. She used the
Closeness in Love™ - 2nd Draft - Rev. 10/09/09 - Page 29
process on what she thought was bothering her
about them, too. She was feeling much better.
Deepening Closeness
After Abby used the process on herself for a few
days, Alex said something to her that, normally,
she would have felt bad after hearing. Instead,
Abby continued to feel love, for herself and Alex.
Instead of responding with her normal, wound
driven craving for closeness, she simply beamed
love at Alex, and told him she loved him.
Alex was stunned. He'd been noticing some
changes in Abby and was wondering about them.
Now, he knew for sure something was different.
"What's going on with you?" he asked.
Abby told him about the healing she'd been
doing. He wanted to know more. Abby told him
about the Healing the Me I See in You™ process.
Alex liked the idea of a self help process, and
wanted to try it. Abby said she'd walk him though
it, but she suggested he not do any issues about
her for the first few times, until he was more
confident with the process. Alex said he had some
things about somebody else he thought was
bothering him, so they used one of those.
Abby showed him how to do the process the
same way Becky had showed her. After walking
him through an issue, she had him walk her
Closeness in Love™ - 2nd Draft - Rev. 10/09/09 - Page 30
through one. Then, she had him walk himself
through the online version of the process, out
loud, while she stood by as backup support.
Alex liked the process. He never knew that
healing stuff that had been bothering him so long
could be so easy, or that it was something he
could do himself.
Alex also liked that the computer version of
Healing the Me I See in You™ was an open source
program. He opened the source code and saw how
everything anybody entered was, like the program
said, fully confidential. Nothing gets stored on the
computer or sent anywhere. When you close the
program, everything you entered vanishes. He
liked that.
Abby gave Alex a copy of this book. He read it in
a few hours and it made sense to him. The next
night, instead of watching TV, they started
working on the exercises together, particularly the
Healing the Me I See in You™ process, and sharing
what they realized.
Abby discovered that her wounds were around
feeling pushed away, and she responded to them
frantically reaching for more closeness. Alex
realized that his wounds were around somebody
coming too close, and he responded to those
wounds by pushing people away. Since Abby was
the closest person in his life, she got pushed away
the most.
Closeness in Love™ - 2nd Draft - Rev. 10/09/09 - Page 31
They recognized that, by healing their wounds
around closeness, they could relate to each other
as healed and whole partners rather than two
wounded people continuing to hurt each other.
They realized that, when they weren't coming
from their wounded selves that they were
naturally loving. They noticed that they liked
themselves and each other better when they were
loving, and that everything about life was more
enjoyable.
Closeness in Love™ - 2nd Draft - Rev. 10/09/09 - Page 32
Chapter 8
Healing Gatherings
Begin at Home
When Abby told Becky about showing Alex the
Healing the Me I See in You™ process, Becky was
delighted, but not surprised. Becky invited Abby
and Alex over to her house to do healing work
together with her and Bart.
The first night the four of them did the Healing
the Me I See in You™ process together, they all
liked how they inspired insights in each other.
They decided to do it every week at the same time.
The next week, Becky invited Candy and
Charlie. The week after that, Candy and Charlie
brought Diane and Darin.
Diane and Darin loved the process, but had a
schedule conflict with the regular gathering night.
So, they started a Healing the Me I See in You™
Closeness in Love™ - 2nd Draft - Rev. 10/09/09 - Page 33
gathering at their house on a different night of the
week.
Gather in Meeting Places
The gatherings at Becky and Bart's house were
getting bigger than their home could comfortably
handle. Charlie checked with his church, and
there was a meeting room available that same
night for a very low price. People said they would
pitch in and cover the cost.
They moved the gathering to the church, and
invited even more people. Many more people
came, both couples and single people.
Ester and Everett came as singles. Candy
introduced them to each other and they decided to
practice closeness together as closeness healing
partners.
Diane and Darin's healing gathering outgrew
their house, too. They found a meeting room at a
local community center that was available for a
very reasonable price. They put some notices in
the local paper and an online events calendar.
Now, lots of people are coming every week.
Other people started Healing the Me I See
in You™ gatherings. Fay found out that her
company had a conference room available. It was
free. Now there's a weekly healing gathering there.
Garrett found out that his bank had a meeting
Closeness in Love™ - 2nd Draft - Rev. 10/09/09 - Page 34
room that was available. Now there are two
gatherings a week there. Harriet found out that
her local library had a room available. Now there's
a healing gathering there every week.
Iris found a nearby restaurant with a separate
dining room. The restaurant doesn't even charge
for the room. John, the owner, is happy to have
more people coming there because some of them
buy food. He would be happy to have several
gatherings there a week. John's wife, Jessica,
suggested an early morning gathering before
people go to work and a lunch hour gathering.
Kevin's condo complex had a meeting room
available. Because Kevin lived there, it was free.
There's a healing gathering there once a week,
now, and a second one is being planned. Lance
found a school that rented rooms at night. Now
there are gatherings there three times a week.
Spread the Healing
Yolanda and Yule were visiting from out of town
and came to a Healing the Me I See in You™
gathering. When they got back home, they started
a healing gathering at their house. Now there are
several in their town.
Closeness in Love™ - 2nd Draft - Rev. 10/09/09 - Page 35
Zelda and Zeke are taking a long vacation. They
are visiting family and friends all over the country
and helping them start Healing the Me I See
in You™ gatherings in their towns.
Healing is spreading.
Closeness in Love™ - 2nd Draft - Rev. 10/09/09 - Page 36
Chapter 9
Christian Tantra
And the two shall be one. — Matthew 19:5
Shared Participation in
Novel and Arousing Activities
Abby was reading about increasing the quality of
love relationships. She learned about a research
report that said that the best thing couples could
do to bring more closeness into their relationships
was (to quote directly from the research report)
"shared participation in novel and arousing
activities." This sounded interesting to her.
She had noticed a section on the Lovers In
Training™ website about Christian Tantra. She went
to that section and read about it. She mentioned
it to Alex, and they decided to research Christian
Tantra further.
Closeness in Love™ - 2nd Draft - Rev. 10/09/09 - Page 37
What is Christian Tantra?
Abby and Alex found out that Tantra is an
ancient practice of combining sexual energy and
prayer. It is more widely known as a Hindu
practice, but people of other religions can do it by
using their own prayers instead of Hindu prayers.
They found out that Christians can do it to, using
Christian prayers.
They had read that many ministers are now
encouraging married couples in their churches to
have sex with each other more often as a way to
keep the marriages together. Combining prayer
with sex seemed like a way to make the sex more
spiritual and the prayer more fun.
They found that a lot of what's written about
Tantra makes it seem exotic and difficult. Some of
the positions shown are certainly quite gymnastic.
They learned that those positions are not
necessary to have a successful Tantra experience.
They were glad to learn that they could use
whatever positions they felt comfortable with.
They found that most of the books in
bookstores and libraries about Tantra include a
mix of Hindu and New Age concepts. Some of it is
pretty extreme. They were glad to know that could
leave out all of that stuff and keep it simple. They
could just add their Christian prayers to their
lovemaking to get started.
Closeness in Love™ - 2nd Draft - Rev. 10/09/09 - Page 38
Heating Water
Abby and Alex learned about the comparison
between making love and heating water, and how
it applied to Tantra. Here's the essence of it.
Typical Sex
No prayer is involved. The couple puts the pot of
water on the stove and turns the fire up full blast.
The water gets hotter and hotter until it boils over
and the fire goes out.
Tantric Sex
The couple begins with prayer. They put the pot of
water on the stove and turn the fire on low. Prayer
is continued, with more intensity, as the water
gets warmer. If the water gets near the boiling
point, the couple turns the fire down to a low
simmer. Instead of boiling the water over, the
couple uses the energy of the heated water to
power their prayer, for a deeper connection to God
and each other, for a long time.
Trying Christian Tantra
Abby and Alex decided to try Christian Tantra.
The first few times, their old habits kicked in, and
their pots boiled over pretty fast. Then, they
learned to turn their fires down sooner. Their
Closeness in Love™ - 2nd Draft - Rev. 10/09/09 - Page 39
Christian Tantra sessions are now lasting much
longer.
Lovemaking with Prayer
Abby and Alex practiced their Christian Tantra
with many different prayers. Sometimes, they
would both say the same prayer, together. One of
their favorites was, All shall be well, and all shall
be well, and all manner of thing shall be well
What they also discovered was that, by just being
in the spirit of love, for God, neighbor, and self,
and using their love for each other as a reminder
of that kind of love, amazing prayers would just
come through them.
They noticed that many of their prayers
contained some form of gratitude. They started to
notice and appreciate their blessings more. They
also expressed more gratitude in their prayers for
each other.
Practicing Christian Tantra together took their
lovemaking to a whole different level. They also
noticed that they appreciated each other more,
and that their relationship was stronger.
Closeness in Love™ - 2nd Draft - Rev. 10/09/09 - Page 40
Chapter 10
Exercises
Venn and the Art of Closeness
Using the diagrams, explore closeness in your
romantic life.
ODGDGDC©
(0) © o
Overall Closeness
• Which diagram most matches the closeness
of your current romantic relationship?
• Which diagram most matches your ideal level
of closeness for your romantic relationship?
Closeness in Love™ - 2nd Draft - Rev. 10/09/09 - Page 41
Which diagram most matches your closeness
level when you are the most deeply
connected?
How often do you usually connect that
deeply?
For how long?
Which diagram most matches your closeness
level when you pull back and are not very
connected?
How often do you usually pull back that far?
For how long?
How would your partner answer all the
previous questions about you?
Which diagrams most match your significant
past relationships?
How would you explain any difference
between the closeness in your relationships
and the closeness you desire now or desired
in the past?
Has your comfort level for closeness changed
over the years?
If so, how?
Closeness in Love™ - 2nd Draft - Rev. 10/09/09 - Page 42
Five Specific Kinds of Closeness
Answer each of the questions above for each kind
of closeness:
• Physical closeness
• Sexual closeness
• Intellectual closeness
• Emotional closeness
• Spiritual closeness
If Only My Partner Would Change
Perhaps you might have thought, or even said,
"If only my partner , then I'd feel
better." You might have filled in the blank with
things like:
• would change
• was different
• was more romantic
• was not so mushy
• made love to me more often
• made love to me less often
• paid more attention to me
• gave me more space
Consider the possibility that you feel how you
feel because you choose to feel that way.
Closeness in Love™ - 2nd Draft - Rev. 10/09/09 - Page 43
Feeling Your Feelings
Read the instructions below, then do each step of
the following exercise before reading the next one.
This exercise will take about two minutes.
Instructions:
Note: If you are hearing this exercise on audio,
and you are doing something like driving or
working, do the exercise with your eyes open.
• Close your eyes and, for about 10 seconds,
feel yourself feeling sad, then open your eyes
and read the next step.
• Close your eyes and, for about 10 seconds,
feel yourself feeling anxious, then open your
eyes and do the next step.
• Close your eyes and, for about 10 seconds,
feel yourself feeling fearful, then open your
eyes and do the next step.
• Close your eyes and, for about 10 seconds,
feel yourself feeling resentful, then open your
eyes and do the next step.
• Close your eyes and, for about 10 seconds,
feel yourself feeling frustrated, then open
your eyes and do the next step.
• Close your eyes and, for about 10 seconds,
feel yourself feeling angry, then open your
eyes and do the next step.
Closeness in Love™ - 2nd Draft - Rev. 10/09/09 - Page 44
• Close your eyes and, for about 10 seconds,
feel yourself feeling hostile, then open your
eyes and do the next step.
• Close your eyes and, for about 10 seconds,
feel yourself feeling pain, then open your eyes
and do the next step.
• Point to where you feel your pain coming
from. Notice that you are not pointing at
anybody else.
• Close your eyes and, for about 10 seconds,
feel yourself feeling pleased, then open your
eyes and do the next step.
• Close your eyes and, for about 10 seconds,
feel yourself feeling very happy, then open
your eyes and do the next step.
• Close your eyes and, for about 10 seconds,
feel yourself feeling peace and love, then open
your eyes.
How did you create those feelings? Your
circumstances did not change in the past two
minutes — certainly not enough to take you
through all of those feelings.
What changed, then, to make your feelings
change? You changed your thoughts, and that
changed your feelings.
Closeness in Love™ - 2nd Draft - Rev. 10/09/09 - Page 45
Who Bothers You, and How
Write five things about other people that you
think bother you. If you cannot narrow it down to
five, you can write a few more.
If you cannot think of five, think of five things
about other people that you think might bother
you if what they were doing or how they were
being were to go on and on and get worse and
worse.
Congratulations. You have just completed Step 1
of the Healing the Me I See in You™ process. Turn to
the next chapter and continue at Step 2 or
schedule some time to do it later.
Closeness in Love™ - 2nd Draft - Rev. 10/09/09 - Page 46
Chapter 1 1
Healing the Me I See in You™
First remove the beam out of your own eye.
Then you can see clearly to remove the speck
out of your brother's eye. — Matthew 7:5.
Overview
This process uses what you see in somebody else
as a barometer for what's going on in you, so that
you can heal yourself.
Feelings
The word "feelings" has two different meanings.
You have emotional feelings, like feeling happy or
sad, and physical feelings, like feeling tense or
relaxed. In this process, feel what's going on with
both kinds of your feelings. Feel what's going on
for you both emotionally and in your body. Feeling
one will help you be more in touch with the other.
Closeness in Love™ - 2nd Draft - Rev. 10/09/09 - Page 47
By feeling both, your process will go much deeper
much faster.
Zoom Lens Tool
Whatever you think is bothering you is only the
tip of the iceberg. To look deeper, use the zoom
lens tool. Some of the steps will ask you to feel
what would come up for you if something were to
go "on and on" and get "worse and worse." This
zooms right into your feelings and makes it clear
what's going on with you at a deeper level.
Tightening and Your Breath
When you use the zoom lens tool, notice where
and how you tighten in your body, and where and
how you hold your breath. This will guide you as
to where and how to heal yourself.
The Steps — Explained
Step 1. Notice Their Problem
Notice something about somebody else that
you think bothers you. It can be something
they're doing, how they're being, or some of
each .
Closeness in Love™ - 2nd Draft - Rev. 10/09/09 - Page 48
If you do not know their exact name, a description
will do, such as "the driver of the red car that cut
me off."
If this is one of your first few times doing this
process, it's a good idea to do this process a few
times with smaller upsets before using it with a
big upsetting incident or an incident involving a
key person in your life. If you were learning to ski,
you'd practice on the bunny slopes before skiing
steep mountains.
Step 2. Read Your Barometer
Imagine if what you think is bothering you
about them were to go on and on and get
worse and worse. Feel, emotionally and in
your body, what would come up for you if that
were to happen. This is the real measure of
how bothered you feel about them.
Whatever you think is bothering you is only the
tip of the iceberg. You're now using the zoom lens
tool. This zooms right into your feelings to make it
clear what is going on with you at a deeper level.
Feel what would be going on for you both
emotionally and in your body. Feeling one will help
you be more in touch with the other. By feeling
both, your process will go much deeper much
faster.
Closeness in Love™ - 2nd Draft - Rev. 10/09/09 - Page 49
Step 3. Put Yourself in Their Shoes
Imagine that you were being and doing the
way that you think is bothering you about
them. Imagine what would be going on in you
(fears, hostilities, beliefs, etc.) in order for
that to happen.
What would be going on with you in order to
create such a situation? This question is not
about how you would feel afterwards. By
imagining yourself being and doing the way that
you think is bothering you, you get to see what
unhealed wounds you have around the subject, so
that you can heal those wounds.
Step 4. Zoom into Your Problem
Imagine if whatever came up for you when
you put yourself in their shoes were to go on
and on and get worse and worse. Feel,
emotionally and in your body, what would
come up for you if that were to occur. Notice
where and how you tighten and hold your
breath. Notice any related thoughts and
beliefs you would have along with those
feelings.
Closeness in Love™ - 2nd Draft - Rev. 10/09/09 - Page 50
Feel what would be going on for you both
emotionally and in your body. Feeling one will help
you be more in touch with the other. By feeling
both, your process will go much deeper much
faster.
By noticing where, in your body, you tighten,
and store these feelings, you will know where to
release them. By noticing where, in your body, you
hold your breath to block these feelings, you will
know how to open your breathing and release
them. By noticing the thoughts that do not serve
you, you will be more able to release them and
create different ones, that will better serve you.
Step 5. Heal Your Problem
Breathe deeply. Breathe in love. Breathe out
anything in you that is less than love. Allow
the places where you had tightened to soften.
Take whatever feelings, thoughts, and beliefs
that came up for you when you zoomed into
your problem, and put them all into your past.
Feel yourself moving forward into your new
future, and leaving those feelings, thoughts,
and beliefs behind you.
Notice your breathing. Notice where the
places you had tightened, before, have
Closeness in Love™ - 2nd Draft - Rev. 10/09/09 - Page 51
softened. If any remain tight, repeat this step
with whatever is left of your problem.
Claim your peace and feel it in your body
in the places where, before, you had
tightened. Feel love in those places. Feel
love in your whole body. Feel love in your
whole being.
Conscious breathing is an easy way to release
feelings, thoughts, and beliefs that do not support
us and replace them with ones that do. Conscious
breathing is also an easy way to release physical
tension. Fill your abdomen. Fill your belly. Fill
your chest, including your upper chest. Breathe
so that you fill them all equally, then empty them
all equally.
You can even say something like, "I used to have
feelings of , thoughts of , and
beliefs of
Step 6. Recheck Your Barometer
Imagine if what you thought was bothering
you about them were to go on and on and get
worse and worse. Feel, emotionally and in
your body, what would come up for you if that
were to happen.
Closeness in Love™ - 2nd Draft - Rev. 10/09/09 - Page 52
This is the same thing you did in Step 2. Has
anything changed? They probably didn't. Who
changed?
Step 7. Successful Healing
If their problem no longer feels like it's
bothering you, you've healed, in yourself,
what you saw in them. Congratulations! Give
yourself credit for healing yourself. It was
your free will that made it possible.
Feel gratitude for your healing. Gratitude
opens the way for more of what you want in
your life. Feel gratitude for whoever showed
you your problem, so that you could heal it.
While thinking of whoever showed you your
problem, continue to feel love.
Begin again at Step 1 with something else
that you think is bothering you about
somebody.
When you do this process several times in a row,
you will often get a momentum going where you
can get a lot of healing happening. Try it and see.
Closeness in Love™ - 2nd Draft - Rev. 10/09/09 - Page 53
Step 8. If Incomplete
If you still think their problem is bothering you
some, take whatever is left about it and
continue with those remaining pieces from
Step 2. When you use the zoom lens tool,
zoom in even closer by imagining things
going on even longer and getting even worse
than you imagined them before.
Ask yourself, "What is my barrier to love,
here?" followed by, "How will I feel when I
am past that barrier?"
Barriers to love are not about "them." They are
what we create inside of ourselves.
Step 9. If Still Unresolved
If, after doing Step 8 and then repeating the
process from Step 2, their problem still seems
to be bothering you, notice something similar,
about the same person or somebody else,
that you think bothers you, and proceed from
Step 1 with that problem.
Closeness in Love™ - 2nd Draft - Rev. 10/09/09 - Page 54
The Steps — By Example
Step 1 Example. Notice Her Problem
Jen was going on and on about her problems, in
front of Jack and many other people.
Step 2 Example. Read Your Barometer
Jack imagined Jen doing that on and on even
more and it getting worse and worse for him.
Emotionally, he felt a feeling of dread. Physically
he felt tightening and stuck energy in his upper
chest.
Step 3 Example. Put Yourself in Their Shoes
If Jack were going on and on about his problems
like that, he would be overwhelmed with them.
Step 4 Example. Zoom into Your Problem
If that overwhelm were to go on and on and get
worse and worse for Jack, he would feel terror to
the point of immobilization, along with tightening
and huge stuck energy in his heart and lung area.
He would have thoughts of giving up.
Closeness in Love™ - 2nd Draft - Rev. 10/09/09 - Page 55
Step 5 Example. Heal Your Problem
Jack breathed into that stuck energy in his heart
and lung area, released it, the terror, and his
thoughts of giving up. He took another breath,
and it was mostly gone, but he could tell there
was a little more left. He breathed in again, found
another stuck place with a little piece of terror
attached, released it, breathed peace into that
area, and it felt great. He felt love where, before,
he was tight. He let love fill his body and his
being, and felt it.
Step 6 Example. Recheck Your Barometer
Jen could go on and on about her problems
forever, and Jack would be fine with it.
Step 7 Example. Successful Healing
Jack healed the him he saw in Jen. He gives
himself credit for doing it. He feels gratitude for
the healing. He feels gratitude for Jen for showing
him where he needed to heal. He thought of her,
and felt love.
Closeness in Love™ - 2nd Draft - Rev. 10/09/09 - Page 56
Chapter 12
Inner Peace — Concepts
Inner Peace is a more advanced process than
Healing the Me I See in You™. Before Attempting
this process, use Healing the Me I See in You™ first.
Practice with it until you are successful with it on
a steady and stable basis. Then you will be ready
for Inner Peace.
The zoom lens tool and the instructions to feel
both emotionally and in your body, that were
introduced in Healing the Me I See in You™, are
both used in Inner Peace.
Overview
Inner Peace is a process that helps us let go of
issues that do not serve us, such as fears, beliefs,
attitudes. After letting them go, Inner Peace helps
us replace those issues with states that serve us.
The first half of the process, where we let go of
our issues, is called the Issue Let Go process. The
Closeness in Love™ - 2nd Draft - Rev. 10/09/09 - Page 57
second half of the process, where we create our
new states, is called the State Creation process.
Imagining
Imagine your life with more inner peace. What
would that be like?
Simply imagining inner peace, or anything else,
shows us that it is possible. In the Inner Peace
process, you will do lots of imagining and realize
what you can create in your life. Some of what you
imagine will support more inner peace in your life.
Some of what you imagine will show you what is
getting in the way of your inner peace. It will then
be up to you to choose which future you will
create for yourself.
Healing Issues
Our issues are all internal to us. For example, not
getting enough love from your partner would not
be an issue to heal. Your anxiety about not getting
enough love, or some other internal response
would be an issue to heal. Your belief that you
don't have enough love would be an issue to heal.
Behaviors are not issues to heal with Inner
Peace. For example, if you were saying unkind
things to your partner, that would not be an issue
to heal with Inner Peace. Your feelings, beliefs, and
Closeness in Love™ - 2nd Draft - Rev. 10/09/09 - Page 58
attitudes that drive such behavior would be issues
to heal with it. Once you heal them, the behavior
has nothing left to drive it, and should easily go
away.
For the rest of the examples, we will use "self
doubt" as the example issue. When you run the
process, substitute whatever your issue is for self
doubt.
Creating States
Once we let go of an issue, we want to create a
supportive state. Imagine you had a garden patch
that was full of weeds. If you pulled up the weeds
and didn't plant anything else, most likely, weeds
would grow back. After you pull out the issue that
doesn't support you, you want to plant something
desirable in that part of your garden.
When choosing a state to create, choose a state
that will, for you, help to keep the issue from
coming back.
For the rest of the examples, we will use
"worthiness" as the example state. When you run
the process, substitute whatever state you choose
to create for worthiness.
The State Creation process has some similar
things to what has been done in many other
works that use affirmations and visualizations. A
question often asked is, "Why have affirmations
Closeness in Love™ - 2nd Draft - Rev. 10/09/09 - Page 59
and visualizations not worked very well for so
many people?"
We believe that this is because the interfering
issues were not let go first. For example, all the
affirmations and visualizations of worthiness in
the world might not work very well if a person has
deep rooted feelings of self doubt, blame, shame,
regret, guilt, and other such issues. It's like trying
to plant new seeds in a patch of old, well
established weeds.
Now, if you pull the weeds first and then plant
the seeds, the plants you want to grow have a
much better chance of taking root and flourishing.
This is what Inner Peace does by clearing the
issue first, then creating the state.
Labeling Issues and States
Sometimes an issue or state has a lot of
ingredients. For example, along with self doubt
might be some body sensations and anxiety.
Sometimes, it's hard to put an exact word on the
issue or state, or all the ingredients. You don't
have to.
If you look at the ingredients label on a box of
cake mix, you will see that it has a lot of
ingredients in it. However, when you refer to it,
you can just call it cake mix, and you know what
you mean. The same is true with your issues and
Closeness in Love™ - 2nd Draft - Rev. 10/09/09 - Page 60
states. You only need to use labels where you
know what you mean, even though there are
many more ingredients included in them.
Top Twenty Issues
The top twenty issues we have found are: fear of
success, fear of failure, self doubt, worry about
health, resentment towards another, anxiety
about money, sadness over a loss, anxiety about a
relationship, worry about the future, fear of
death, fear of being wrong, fear of pain, guilt over
a wrong, fear of rejection, anger over a wrong,
regret over the past, blame towards another,
feeling deprived, anxiety about time, and fear of
God. If any of these are issues for you, try using
Inner Peace to heal them. If you have similar
issues, reword them to match your issues.
What's in the Way?
If, at any step, something seems to not be
working, ask yourself, "What's in the way?" This
one question will often find the real issue. For
example, if somebody has a fear of red things,
they can run fear of apples forever, and it will
never resolve. However, if you ask what's in the
way, and discover that there is a fear of red
things, then you can handle that, and the fear of
Closeness in Love™ - 2nd Draft - Rev. 10/09/09 - Page 61
apples should resolve along with it. Usually,
what's in the way is a fear or a belief.
Involving All Three Brains
Humans have three parts of their brains. These
are sometimes referred to as our three brains.
At the base of our brain is what is commonly
called the reptilian brain. Reptiles have this brain.
Our reflexes and other body activities and
sensations happen in this brain.
Surrounding our reptilian brain is our
mammalian brain. Other mammals have this
brain. Our emotions happen in this brain.
Surrounding our mammalian brain is our
humanoid brain. No other animal has this brain.
It is where we can do things like conceive of
infinity and run the Inner Peace process.
Inner Peace engages all three brains. First and
foremost, the humanoid mind is aware of each
step. Then, by feeling emotionally and in your
body, the other two brains are engaged in the
healing process.
If, at any step, you notice yourself giving an
intellectual answer, such as saying, "I'd feel
awful." in a matter of fact way, you will know that
you are not engaging all three brains. Actually
feel, emotionally and in your body, while you
Closeness in Love™ - 2nd Draft - Rev. 10/09/09 - Page 62
answer the step, and all three brains will be
engaged.
Exploring Two Futures
Once an issue is identified, you will explore two
futures, in depth. First, you will explore what
would happen if you were to hang onto the issue.
You will explore what would happen to you, what
would happen to others, and how you would end
up feeling if all that were to happen. Then, you
will explore what happens after you let go of the
issue. Again, you will explore what happens to
you, what happens to others, and how you will
end up feeling after all that happens.
After you let go of the issue, you will replace it
with a state that supports your inner peace. In
the process of doing that, you will also explore two
futures. First you will explore what would happen
if you were to let go of the state. Then you will
explore what happens to you as you continue to
create the state.
Be warned, this is a setup. After exploring both
futures, most likely, you will chose the one where
you let go of the issue or create the state.
Closeness in Love™ - 2nd Draft - Rev. 10/09/09 - Page 63
Crash and Burn
When you explore the negative future, either
holding onto the issue or letting go of the state,
the end result of each step is feeling a "crash and
burn." All three brains are involved. You will think
about it and you will feel it, emotionally and in
your body.
Why is a self help program taking you to your
worst case "crashes and burns" rather than going
in a more positive direction?" Inner Peace will not
leave you at "crash and burn." By facing the worst
case "crash and burn" of what would happen to
you if you were to continue with the issue or let go
of the state, you get to see, clearly, how that isn't
the future you want to create.
Often, we have denial about keeping our issue
in place. We tend to say things to ourselves like,
"Oh, it's not that bad," or "I can live with it."
Exploring your worst case futures helps break
down these denials so you more easily give up
your issues.
Victory and Beyond
When you explore the positive future, either
letting go of the issue or continuing to create the
state, the end result of each step is feeling a
"victory and beyond." Again, all three brains are
Closeness in Love™ - 2nd Draft - Rev. 10/09/09 - Page 64
involved. You will think about it and you will feel
it, emotionally and in your body.
By exploring these best case positive futures,
you get to see the possibilities of what you can
create in your life.
Then What?
In the steps where you explore your two futures,
until you reach either "crash and burn" or "victory
and beyond" you will be asked a question such as
"Then what?" The purpose of this is to get you to
the end of the step, either a "crash and burn" or a
"victory and beyond" and you are feeling it,
emotionally and in your body.
Some variations on "then what," are, "and what
would that be like?" or "What would it be like to
live like that?" Use whatever makes sense to you.
Get the feeling of what the future you are
exploring would be like until you get you to the
end of the step, either a "crash and burn" or a
"victory and beyond," and you feel it, emotionally
and in your body.
Exploring for Others
Some of the steps ask you to imagine what would
happen to others. For example, Step 3 of the Issue
Let Go process will ask you to feel what would
Closeness in Love™ - 2nd Draft - Rev. 10/09/09 - Page 65
happen to others if you were to continue with the
issue of self doubt. The others you would most
want to focus on would be others who are on the
fence as to whether or not to have self doubt in
their lives. When they see you having self doubt,
you model it for them, and give them permission
to have it, too. What happens to them when they
live with self doubt?
On the flip side, at Step 6, you will explore what
happens to others as you let go of self doubt.
Here, you would, again, focus on others who are
on the fence as to whether or not to have self
doubt in their lives. When they see you letting go
of your self doubt, you model that for them, and
give them permission to let it go, too. What
happens to them when they let go of their self
doubt.
In its early days, the Inner Peace process had
fewer steps. For example, to explore your future
without the issue, the question was simply, "Feel
what happens after you let go of the issue, self
doubt." People who did well with the process
would first answer what would happen to
themselves, then what would happen to others,
then how they would end up feeling after all that
happened. To make sure you do all three parts,
the step was broken up into three steps. However,
after you are experienced with using Inner Peace
and doing the process well, as long as you do all
Closeness in Love™ - 2nd Draft - Rev. 10/09/09 - Page 66
three parts, you can combine the three steps into
one.
Willingness and Ability
In order to do something, we have to be both
willing and able. Neither one, without the other, is
enough. After exploring the two futures, Inner
Peace checks your willingness to let go of the
issue, then helps you figure out how to do it. With
both willingness and ability, you can do it.
Pictures, Sounds, and Feelings
How you let go of your issues is all internal. You
create pictures, sounds, and feelings. It's not
about doing anything in the outer world.
Different people have different ways of
perceiving the world and using their mind. Some
people most notice what they see. Their minds
work more with pictures. Other people most
notice what they hear. Their minds work more
with sounds and words. Other people most notice
what they feel. Their minds work more with body
sensations. Most of us use a combination of all
three, and we have our favorites.
Inner Peace uses whatever your preference is,
pictures, sounds, or feelings, to help you let go of
your issues and create your states. For example,
Closeness in Love™ - 2nd Draft - Rev. 10/09/09 - Page 67
you might let go of an issue by seeing a picture,
feeling a feeling, then hearing a phrase. Somebody
else might let go of an issue by feeling, hearing a
sound, feeling another feeling, then seeing a
picture. There is no right or wrong way to do this.
Use whatever works for you.
Some things you can do to help make your
pictures sounds and feelings work better for you is
to pay more attention to them. For example, hen
you see yourself in your new future of what your
life is like after you let to of your issue, soon into
that picture. Add more details to it. Add more
color. Put yourself in a picture. Notice the
expression on your face.
Letting Go
Letting go is a key part of the Inner Peace process.
Another way to understand letting an issue go is
to put it into your past. See, hear, and feel
yourself moving into your future without the issue
in your life.
By starting with Healing the Me I See in You™,
you will get experience with letting things go.
Letting go will be second nature to you by the time
you do Inner Peace.
Closeness in Love™ - 2nd Draft - Rev. 10/09/09 - Page 68
Percentages of an Issue
When you are exploring your willingness, ability,
and letting go of an issue, you will be asked about
percentages. For example, Step 8 will ask you, on
a scale of zero to one hundred, how much of the
issue, self doubt, you are willing to let go. The
issue has a definite size, and that's one hundred
percent of the issue. You can let go as little or as
much as you are willing and able. A good guess is
close enough. When your mind and feelings agree,
use that number.
Let's say, for example, that on Step 8 your
answer is that you are willing to let go of seventy
percent of your self doubt. Then, at the end of
Step 9, your answer is that you are able to let go of
seventy percent of your self doubt, on Step 10, you
would be invited to let go of seventy percent of the
issue.
After you do that, when you come back to the
issue, at Step 8 you would be asked, on a scale of
zero to thirty, how much of the remaining thirty
percent of your self doubt you would be willing to
let go.
Using percentages allows us to do things in
manageable chunks. If you ask people "all or
nothing" questions about giving up their issues,
it's often hard for them to give up their issues
completely. On the other hand, if you give them
Closeness in Love™ - 2nd Draft - Rev. 10/09/09 - Page 69
the option of doing it in percentages, it's easier for
them to face the task. Any mountain can be
climbed, even in a wheelchair, if you build a ramp
at an easy enough angle.
What often happens is that people are usually
willing, able, and do let go of at least sixty percent,
and often ninety percent or more, of their major
issues on the first time through. These are issues
that they have been dealing with for years and
years.
Maybe you have issues that have been
bothering you for years. When would now be a
good time to let them go.
No Percentages of a State
The state you are creating is just being created.
It's like planting an acorn that will grow into a
giant oak tree. So, with your states, you will not
be asked about any percentages. You know they
will continue to grow.
Learning New Ways of Living
You have years of practice with living with the
issue. It is second nature to you. The state you are
creating is brand new. Recognize that, just like
when you learned how to walk, you had to focus
on it and, now, you can probably do it easily,
Closeness in Love™ - 2nd Draft - Rev. 10/09/09 - Page 70
without even thinking about it, the same will be
true with living with your new state.
Giving Yourself Credit
After letting go of an issue or creating a state, you
will be instructed give yourself credit for doing
that. It was your free will that did it. You deserve
credit for making that choice. Give it to yourself.
Feeling Gratitude
The last step of the Issue Let Go Process and the
State Creation Process is to feel gratitude. Gratitude
opens the way for more of what you want in your
life. Feel it.
Is the Issue Really Gone?
After letting go of an issue, sometimes it's easy to
wonder if the issue is really gone. Abby had let go
of some frustration towards Alex, then noticed,
several days later, that she had more frustration
towards him. However, after exploring it further,
she realized that it was a different frustration,
even though she was using the same word to
describe it.
When you pull weeds from your garden, you get
whatever you see. It doesn't mean more won't
grow back. However, if you tend the garden
Closeness in Love™ - 2nd Draft - Rev. 10/09/09 - Page 71
regularly, the new weeds will be easy to spot and
get out before they get established. It works the
same with your emotional garden.
Automatically Letting Go of Issues
After doing the Inner Peace process for a while,
you will get to a point where you automatically let
go of issues, without even thinking of the steps.
As soon as you notice an issue, you will realize the
kind of future you would have hanging onto it,
and the kind of future you will have without it,
and you will just let it go, all in less time than it
takes to take a breath. When you get to that point,
your life will be much different. Go for it.
Closeness in Love™ - 2nd Draft - Rev. 10/09/09 - Page 72
Chapter 13
Inner Peace — Steps
This chapter will make much more sense to you if
you read and understand the previous chapter
explaining the Inner Peace concepts first.
Continuing with the same examples from that
chapter, we will use self doubt as the example
issue, and worthiness as the example replacement
state.
Issue Let Go Process
Part 1 — Identifying the Issue
Step1
Identify an issue that lessens your inner
peace.
Have mercy on me, O Lord, for I am in trouble.
— Psalms 31:9
Closeness in Love™ - 2nd Draft - Rev. 10/09/09 - Page 73
Blessed are the poor in spirit: for theirs is the
kingdom of heaven. — Matthew 5:3
If more than one issue seems to be interfering
with your inner peace, narrow your focus to one
issue now. You can deal with the other issues
later. Here's an easy way to do that. First, remind
yourself that you can handle all your issues, one
at a time. Then, ask yourself, if you could pick any
issue to not have, which one would it be.
You might have heard about the straw that
broke the camel's back. The flip side of that
works, too. Remove that straw, and the camel can
handle the rest. With one less issue tying up your
energy, there's that much more of you available to
enjoy life.
Some issues are too big to handle all at once.
For example, fear, in and of itself, is too big for
most people to handle all at once. Specific fears,
such as fear of being wrong or fear of success, can
be handled. For bigger issues, break them up into
manageable chunks.
There is a whole chapter after this one about
finding issues. Do the steps in it if you run out of
issues.
Closeness in Love™ - 2nd Draft - Rev. 10/09/09 - Page 74
Part 2 — Your Future Continuing with the Issue
Step 2
Feel what would happen to you if you were to
continue with the issue, self doubt.
Describe what that would feel like.
Focus on what would feel bad or negative
to you if you were to continue with the issue,
self doubt, and it were to go on and on and
everything were to get worse and worse.
Feel it both emotionally and in your body.
Assume no rescue or recovery on this
step. If a rescue or recovery presents itself
and things seem to improve a little for a while
or even appear to just stay the same, feel
what would happen after that were over and
the issue, self doubt, were to come back,
stronger than ever.
Imagine the worst case scenario if
everything were to get worse and worse.
Imagine what that would feel like to you. Feel
it both emotionally and in your body.
Closeness in Love™ - 2nd Draft - Rev. 10/09/09 - Page 75
What would and would not happen? What
would life be like? How would you feel?
Consider the end result.
Take this to its ultimate conclusion. Go all
the way to "crash and burn."
How do you feel? Feel it all, as specifically
as you can.
You will know that you have reached the
end of this step if you really feel what "crash
and burn" would feel like and you cannot
imagine feeling much worse. Imagine how an
eternity of that would feel to you.
This is suffering that would have to be
lived. Prevent this suffering from ever having
to be experienced in real life by facing it now.
Yea though I walk through the valley of the
shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art
with me. — Psalms 23:4
Blessed are they that mourn: for they shall be
comforted. — Matthew 5:4
Step 3
Feel what would happen to others if you were
to continue with the issue, self doubt.
Describe what that would feel like.
Closeness in Love™ - 2nd Draft - Rev. 10/09/09 - Page 76
Give us help from trouble. — Psalms 60:11
Blessed are the meek: for they shall inherit the
earth. — Matthew 5:5
This step is just like Step 2 except for the focus on
others instead of yourself.
Step 4
Having explored what would happen to you
and others if you were to continue with the
issue, self doubt, deeply feel how you would
feel if all that were to happen.
Describe what that would feel like.
Be pleased, O Lord to deliver me: O Lord, make
haste to help me. — Psalms 40: 13
Blessed are they which do hunger and thirst
after righteousness: for they shall he filled.
— Matthew 5:6
This step compresses the impact of the two
previous steps to help further break through any
remaining denial about hanging onto the issue.
Part 3 — Your Future Without the Issue
Step 5
Feel what happens to you after you let go of
the issue, self doubt.
Closeness in Love™ - 2nd Draft - Rev. 10/09/09 - Page 77
Describe what that feels like.
Focus on what feels good or positive to
you after you let go of the issue, self doubt,
and everything continues to get better and
better. Feel it both emotionally and in your
body.
Assume no setback or failure on this step,
if a setback or failure presents itself and
things were to worsen a little for a while or
even appear to just stay the same, feel what
happens after that is over as the issue
vanishes and is gone forever.
Imagine the best case scenario as
everything gets better and better. Imagine
what that feels like to you. Feel it both
emotionally and in your body.
What would and would not happen? What
would life be like? How would you feel?
Consider the end result. Take this to its
ultimate conclusion. Go all the way to "victory
and beyond."
How do you feel? Feel it all, as specifically
as you can.
Closeness in Love™ - 2nd Draft - Rev. 10/09/09 - Page 78
This is an outcome that you can create in
real life if you choose.
You will know that you have reached the
end of this step if you really feel what "victory
and beyond" feels like and you cannot
imagine feeling much better.
Feel how an eternity of that feels to you.
Create in me a clean heart, O God; and renew a
right spirit within me. — Psalms 51: 10
Blessed are the pure in heart: for they shall see
God. — Matthew 5:8
This step is the positive equivalent of Step 2.
Step 6
Feel what happens to others after you let go
of the issue, self doubt.
Describe what that feels like.
Show us thy mercy, O Lord, and grant us thy
salvation. — Psalms 85:7
Blessed are the merciful: for they shall obtain
mercy. — Matthew 5:7
This step is the positive equivalent of Step 3. It is
just like Step 5 except for the focus on others
instead of yourself.
Closeness in Love™ - 2nd Draft - Rev. 10/09/09 - Page 79
Step 7
Having explored happens to you and others
after you let go of the issue, self doubt,
deeply feel how you feel as all that happens.
Describe what that feels like.
And my soul shall be joyful in the Lord. —
Psalms 35:9
Blessed are the peacemakers: for they shall be
called the children of God. — Matthew 5:9
This step is the positive equivalent of Step 4.
Part 4 — Letting Go of the Issue
Step 8
Using a scale of 0 to 100, how much of the
issue, self doubt, do you sincerely feel that
you are willing to let go?
This question checks only your willingness.
Willingness does not mean ability. For example,
you may be perfectly willing to flap your wings
and fly, even though you may not be able.
Lord, all my desire is before thee. — Psalms 38:9
Thy will be done. — Matthew 6: 10
Closeness in Love™ - 2nd Draft - Rev. 10/09/09 - Page 80
Step 9
As you let go of the issue, self doubt, what do
you do first?
• See image(s), picture(s) and/or
symbol(s).
• Hear sound(s) and/or word(s).
• Feel sensation(s) and/or feeling(s).
• Do some other internal action.
This step is not about external actions or
circumstances. It is about what you create
internally in your mind, body, and emotions.
Even if you do more than one of these, one
will be slightly before of the others in
sequence.
Do you see something, hear something, or
feel something? If you just sense it or know it,
how do you know? By a picture, a sound, or a
feeling?
O send out thy light and thy truth: let them lead
me. — Psalms 43:3
Ask, and it shall be given to you; seek, and ye
shall find; knock, and it shall be opened to you.
—Matthew 7:7
Closeness in Love™ - 2nd Draft - Rev. 10/09/09 - Page 81
This step finds the first step in the formula for the
user's internal strategy for letting go. Pictures,
sounds, and feelings that were noticed in Steps 5,
6, and 7 are great to use again here.
For this example, we will assume that you
chose "see."
Step 9, Continued
As you LET GO of the issue, self doubt, what
do you see?
For this example, we'll use "myself being
confident" as the image.
Step 9, Continued
After you see, myself being confident, what, if
anything, do you do next as you let go of the
issue, self doubt?
• That's it. The sequence works to let go
of the issue.
• See image(s), picture(s) and/or
symbol(s).
• Hear sound(s) and/or word(s).
• Feel sensation(s) and/or feeling(s).
• Do some other internal action.
Closeness in Love™ - 2nd Draft - Rev. 10/09/09 - Page 82
• Review the letting go sequence
discovered so far.
You could include as many internal steps as you
needed to get a strategy that works. Most of the
time, one to three internal steps usually are all
that are needed. Most people use one picture, one
sound, and one feeling.
We will assume, for this example, that the one
picture was enough.
Step 9, Continued
Now that you have discovered a workable
letting go sequence, using a scale of 0 to
100, how much of the issue, self doubt, do
you sincerely feel that you are able to let go?
This question checks only your ability. Ability does
not mean willingness. For example, you may be
perfectly able to do more physical exercise even
though you may not be willing to do so right now.
For this example, we will assume that you were
willing and able to let go of seventy percent of the
issue.
Step 1 0
Inner Peace invites you to let go of 70% of
the issue, self doubt, now.
Closeness in Love™ - 2nd Draft - Rev. 10/09/09 - Page 83
Thou will show me the path of life. —
Psalms 16:11
Be ye therefore perfect — Matthew 5:48
Why did Inner Peace only invite you to let go of
seventy percent of the issue? Because our
example answers to Step 8 and Step 9 were that
seventy percent was the percentage that we were
both willing and able to let go.
The smallest number from Step 8 and Step 9 is
used on this step. For example, if you were willing
to let to of fifty percent and able to let go of eighty,
you would be invited to let of of fifty.
Step 10, Continued
Using a scale of 0 to 100, how much of the
issue, self doubt, do you sincerely feel that
you did let go?
This is an important place to be feeling both
emotionally and in your body. When you engage
all three brains, you will know the answer.
Notice we used zero to one hundred for
checking. Sometimes people actually end up
letting go of more than they say that they are
willing and able.
For this example, we'll stick with the same 70%.
Closeness in Love™ - 2nd Draft - Rev. 10/09/09 - Page 84
Part 5 — Giving Credit and Feeling Gratitude
Step 1 1
Give yourself credit for letting go of 70% of
the issue, self doubt.
J sought the Lord, and he heard me, and
delivered me from all my fears. — Psalms 34:4
Strait is the gate, and narrow is the way, which
leads to life, and few there be that find it —
Matthew 7: 14
Step 12
Feel gratitude for letting go of 70% of the
issue, self doubt.
O Lord my God, I will give thanks unto thee for
ever. — Psalms 30:12
For thine is the kingdom, and the power, and
the glory for ever. — Matthew 6: 13
Part 6 — Handling any Remainder
Step 12, Continued
Now address the remaining 30% of the issue,
self doubt.
Closeness in Love™ - 2nd Draft - Rev. 10/09/09 - Page 85
Step 8
Using a scale of 0 to 30, how much of the
remainder of the issue, self doubt, do you
sincerely feel that you are willing to let go?
Assuming that you are willing to let go of the rest,
Step 9 would recheck your strategy, then check
you're ability to let the rest go, using the same
zero to thirty scale.
Assuming you are able to let of of the rest,
Step 10 would invite you to do that, and confirm
that you did. Assuming you did, Step 11 would
invite you to give yourself credit for letting go of all
of the issue, and Step 12 would invite you to feel
gratitude for letting go of all of the issue.
Something in the Way
If the process wasn't going well, you would ask
what's in the way. If there is something in the way,
it can be handled just like any other issue. Once
the interfering issue is let go, then the user can
often come back to the original issue and let it go.
Sometimes there is more than one interfering
issue. Just clear them, one at a time.
Let us assume, for our current example, that we
make as many passes as needed through the
issue of self doubt whatever's in the way and let it
all go. We would, now, create the state.
Closeness in Love™ - 2nd Draft - Rev. 10/09/09 - Page 86
State Creation Process
Part 1 — Identifying the State
Step1
Identify a state that supports your inner
peace.
Choose a state that has an opposite quality
to the issue, self doubt, and would act as an
antidote if the issue should ever try to
reassert itself.
Hear me when I call, O God of my
righteousness: thou hast enlarged me when I
was in distress; have mercy upon me, and hear
my prayer. — Psalms 4: 1
For every one that asks receives; and he that
seeks finds; and to him that knocks it shall be
opened. — Matthew 7:8
The top twenty states are: faith, forgiveness,
gratitude, worthiness, fulfillment, vitality,
courage, love, acceptance, trust, passion, balance,
compassion, freedom, empowerment, success, joy,
fun, abundance, and contentedness.
For this example, we will use worthiness.
Closeness in Love™ - 2nd Draft - Rev. 10/09/09 - Page 87
Part 2 — Your Future If You Let Go of the State
Step 2
Feel what would happen to you if you were to
let go of the state, worthiness.
Describe what that would feel like.
Focus on what would feel bad or negative
to you if you were to let go of the state,
worthiness, and things were to go on and on
and everything were to get worse and worse.
Feel it both emotionally and in your body.
Assume no rescue or recovery on this
step. If a rescue or recovery presents itself
and things seem to improve a little for a while
or even appear to just stay the same, feel
what would happen after that were over and
the state, worthiness, were to really be gone,
forever.
Imagine the worst case scenario if
everything were to get worse and worse.
Imagine what that would feel like to you. Feel
it both emotionally and in your body.
Closeness in Love™ - 2nd Draft - Rev. 10/09/09 - Page 88
What would and would not happen? What
would life be like? How would you feel?
Consider the end result.
Take this to its ultimate conclusion. Go all
the way to "crash and burn."
How do you feel? Feel it all, as specifically
as you can.
You will know that you have reached the
end of this step if you really feel what "crash
and burn" would feel like and you cannot
imagine feeling much worse. Imagine how an
eternity of that would feel to you.
This is suffering that would have to be
lived. Prevent this suffering from ever having
to be experienced in real life by facing it now.
Yea though I walk through the valley of the
shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art
with me. — Psalms 23:4
Blessed are they that mourn: for they shall be
comforted. — Matthew 5:4
On this part, you do not need to go to such deep
"crashes and burns" as you did on the Issue
Let Go Process.
Closeness in Love™ - 2nd Draft - Rev. 10/09/09 - Page 89
Step 3
Feel what would happen to others if you were
to let go of the state, worthiness.
Describe what that would feel like.
Give us help from trouble. — Psalms 60:11
Blessed are the meek: for they shall
inherit the earth. — Matthew 5:5
Step 4
Having explored what would happen to you
and others if you were to let go of the state,
worthiness, deeply feel how you would feel if
all that were to happen.
Describe what that would feel like.
Be pleased, O Lord to deliver me: O Lord, make
haste to help me. — Psalms 40: 13
Blessed are they which do hunger and thirst
after righteousness: for they shall be filled.
—Matthew 5:6
Closeness in Love™ - 2nd Draft - Rev. 10/09/09 - Page 90
Part 3 — Your Future With the State
Step 5
Feel what happens to you as you continue to
create the issue, worthiness.
Describe what that feels like.
Focus on what feels good or positive to
you you as you continue to create the issue,
worthiness., and everything continues to get
better and better. Feel it both emotionally and
in your body.
Assume no setback or failure on this step,
if a setback or failure presents itself and
things were to worsen a little for a while or
even appear to just stay the same, feel what
happens after that is over as the state is
firmly reestablished, stronger than ever.
Imagine the best case scenario as
everything gets better and better. Imagine
what that feels like to you. Feel it both
emotionally and in your body.
What would and would not happen? What
would life be like? How would you feel?
Closeness in Love™ - 2nd Draft - Rev. 10/09/09 - Page 91
Consider the end result. Take this to its
ultimate conclusion. Go all the way to "victory
and beyond."
How do you feel? Feel it all, as specifically
as you can.
This is an outcome that you can create in
real life if you choose.
You will know that you have reached the
end of this step if you really feel what "victory
and beyond" feels like and you cannot
imagine feeling much better.
Feel how an eternity of that feels to you.
Create in me a clean heart, O God; and renew a
right spirit within me. — Psalms 51: 10
Blessed are the pure in heart: for they shall see
God. —Matthew 5:8
On this part, take your "victories and beyond"
really far. Linger in them. Enjoy them.
Step 6
Feel what happens to others as you continue
to create the issue, worthiness.
Describe what that feels like.
Show us thy mercy, O Lord, and grant us thy
salvation. — Psalms 85:7
Closeness in Love™ - 2nd Draft - Rev. 10/09/09 - Page 92
Blessed are the merciful: for they shall obtain
mercy. — Matthew 5:7
Step 7
Having explored happens to you and others
after you continue to create the issue,
worthiness, deeply feel how you feel as all
that happens.
Describe what that feels like.
And my soul shall be joyful in the Lord. —
Psalms 35:9
Blessed are the peacemakers: for they shall be
called the children of God. — Matthew 5:9
Part 4 — Creating the State
Step 8
Do you sincerely feel that you are willing to
create the state, worthiness?
Lord, all my desire is before thee. — Psalms 38:9
Thy will be done. — Matthew 6: 10
No percentages are used in this part. Your new
state will continue to grow.
Closeness in Love™ - 2nd Draft - Rev. 10/09/09 - Page 93
Step 9
As you create the state, worthiness, what do
you do first?
• See image(s), picture(s) and/or
symbol(s).
• Hear sound(s) and/or word(s).
• Feel sensation(s) and/or feeling(s).
• Do some other internal action.
This is the one step, out of the whole process,
where it might be helpful to take notes. You can
redo the strategy to create the state, over and over,
daily or more than once a day, to continue to
create the state.
For simplicity, we will assume, for this example,
that one picture was enough to create the state,
and you know what that picture is.
Step 9, Continued
Now that you have discovered a workable
sequence, do you sincerely feel that you are
able to create the state, worthiness?
O send out thy light and thy truth: let them lead
me. — Psalms 43:3
Closeness in Love™ - 2nd Draft - Rev. 10/09/09 - Page 94
Ask, and it shall be given to you; seek, and ye
shall find; knock, and it shall be opened to you.
—Matthew 7:7
Step 1 0
Inner Peace invites you to create the state,
worthiness, now.
Step 10, Continued
Do you sincerely feel that you did create the
state, worthiness?
Thou will show me the path of life. —
Psalms 16:11
Be ye therefore perfect. — Matthew 5:48
Part 5 — Giving Credit and Feeling Gratitude
Step 1 1
Give yourself credit for creating the state,
worthiness.
J sought the Lord, and he heard me, and
delivered me from all my fears. — Psalms 34:4
Strait is the gate, and narrow is the way, which
leads to life, and few there be that find it. —
Matthew 7: 14
Closeness in Love™ - 2nd Draft - Rev. 10/09/09 - Page 95
Step 12
Feel gratitude for for creating the state,
worthiness.
O Lord my God, I will give thanks unto thee for
ever. — Psalms 30:12
For thine is the kingdom, and the power, and
the glory for ever. — Matthew 6: 13
Begin again, with another issue. When you do this
process several times in a row, you will often get a
momentum going where you can get a lot of
healing happening. Try it and see.
Closeness in Love™ - 2nd Draft - Rev. 10/09/09 - Page 96
Chapter 14
Inner Peace — Issue Finding
After you have found and processed all of your
obvious issues, you may be interested in finding
more. Here are some ways to dig deep and find
others.
When you find a hot issue, handle it. Then work
your way through this list, one issue at a time.
Handle them all.
Conflicting Issues
When you handle a big issue, check to see if you
don't also have the opposite issue. For example,
many people have both fear of failure and fear of
success.
When we have conflicting issues, we have
internal struggles that consume a lot of our
energy. Different parts of ourselves are pushing
and pulling against each other. And we wonder
why we're tired at the end of the day, but still
Closeness in Love™ - 2nd Draft - Rev. 10/09/09 - Page 97
haven't accomplished many of the things we
wanted to do.
Worst Fears
What leaves you feeling nervous or anxious? What
do you fear? What do you most fear? Imagine you
were forced to live your worst fears, far worse than
you ever imagined they could be — forever.
How would you feel?
Attachments
What do you create in your life? Who or what are
you, what do you do, what do you have?
Of all these things, what are you most attached
to? It does not have to be something you are
proud of.
What ingredient of your life would be the
hardest to part with? This is where your
attachments are. Imagine that what you are most
attached to were taken away, and you could never
be, do, or have it again.
How would you feel?
Unattained Goals
What do you strive, struggle, or strain for? Where
are you stuck? The beauty of looking here is that
Closeness in Love™ - 2nd Draft - Rev. 10/09/09 - Page 98
underlying an unrealized goal is often a major
fear. Imagine you could never realize that goal —
ever.
How would you feel?
Negative Emotions
What situations do you believe make you feel
irritated, bothered, annoyed, aggravated, hostile,
angry, upset, furious, resentful, bitter, afraid,
anxious, nervous, worried, fearful, panic, terror,
exasperated, frustrated, grief, regret, sorrow, woe,
misery, sad, bad, shame, guilt, unhappy,
depressed, withdrawn, or any other negative
emotion? Imagine you were stuck with that
emotion, far worse than you ever imagined it
could be — forever?
How would you feel?
Horrible Memories
Recall one of your most horrible memories.
Imagine you were forced to relive it, far worse than
you ever imagined it could be — forever.
How would you feel?
Closeness in Love™ - 2nd Draft - Rev. 10/09/09 - Page 99
Horrible Fantasies
Imagine your most horrible fantasy. Imagine you
were forced to live it, far worse than you ever
imagined it could be — forever.
How would you feel?
Control
What do you control? What do you try to control
What do you control especially well? Imagine you
were forced into or prevented from being, doing, or
having something.
How would you feel?
Resistances and Avoidances
What do you resist, oppose, endure, hate, despise,
deplore, detest, dislike, dodge, avoid, run away
from, or sidestep? Imagine you are forced to live
your worst nightmares about it — forever?
How would you feel?
Closeness in Love™ - 2nd Draft - Rev. 10/09/09 - Page 100
Repressions
Is there anything that could have left you feeling
bad if you had let it get the best of you? Imagine
your power to hold back that bad feeling were
taken away — forever.
How would you feel?
Denials
Is there anything that could have left you feeling
bad that you deny, hide, or don't admit? Imagine
your power to deny that bad feeling were taken
away — forever.
How would you feel?
Fear of Losing Your Gains
Are you concerned that using such a fast,
powerful process such as this might get you to
function as if you are beyond your issues, but that
the issues are not really gone and might kick back
in on you at some later time?
Imagine that you get to where you want to be,
beyond all your fears and barriers, and then your
biggest issues were to all come back on you —
hard.
How would you feel?
Closeness in Love™ - 2nd Draft - Rev. 10/09/09 - Page 101
Beyond Your Negative Issues
After you get past all of your hot, suffering-type
issues, consider, "What do you want to be, do,
have, or improve next?"
What's in the way?
Beyond Ideal
Imagine your ideal future. How could it be even
better?
What's in the way?
Closeness in Love™ - 2nd Draft - Rev. 10/09/09 - Page 102
Chapter 15
What Can I Do?
The best thing you can do is to heal yourself. As
you do that, you will be more able to heal your
relationship or create one, and to share healing
with others.
Use the Healing the Me I See in You™ process.
Share it with your partner and friends. It's in the
book. There's also an online version and one that
can be downloaded. After you get comfortable with
that process, you use the Inner Peace process.
Use the other exercises in this book. Share
them with your partner and friends.
Copy and share this book. It is an open content
book. You can email it, just send the download
links, or print it out.
Form healing groups. Start small with a few
friends and try it. Then let them grow.
Closeness in Love™ - 2nd Draft - Rev. 10/09/09 - Page 103
If you're single, consider being somebody's
closeness healing partner. You'll both get healing
from it.
At some point, you'll notice that the healing is
working. You'll notice that you don't feel bothered
by certain things the way you used to. That isn't
the time to stop. That's the time to dig deeper and
heal your next layer.
Enjoy your healing. Enjoy your closeness.
With love,
Lovers In Training
loversintraining.org
Closeness in Love™ - 2nd Draft - Rev. 10/09/09 - Page 104
Appendix A
Resources
Healing the Me I See in You™
Software
Healing the Me I See in You™ is free and open
source software released under the GNU General
Public License. Feel free to copy and distribute it.
You can also sell it, either to cover your costs or
you can even make a profit on it.
Currently, English is the only language
available. We encourage translations in any
language. If you are a native speaker of any other
language and can translate this work, or know
somebody who can, please go ahead and get it
translated. As you learn of any translations,
please post the links to them at:
http://loversintraining.org/contact.html
Closeness in Love™ - 2nd Draft - Rev. 10/09/09 - Page 105
Online Version
Run the online version of Healing the Me I See
in You™, without having to download anything, at:
http://loversintraining.org/healing-the-me-i-see-in-you.html
Download Version
The download version of Healing the Me I See
in You™ is, basically the same as the online
version, only you can run it offline. Like the online
version, it runs in your browser. Get it at:
http://loversintraining.org/downloads/healing-the-me-i-see-in-you.zip
Support
For support with Lovers In Training™ software, use
the Lovers In Training™ contact form at:
http://loversintraining.org/contact.html
Gatherings
Information about Healing the Me I See in You™
gatherings is at:
http://loversintraining.org/gatherings/healing-the-me-i-see-in-you.html
Lovers In Training™ gatherings are free. There are
no suggested donations for anything and nothing
is for sale.
Closeness in Love™ - 2nd Draft - Rev. 10/09/09 - Page 106
TM
Lovers In Training
Statement of Being
Lovers In Training™ is a loving, spiritual community.
We are committed to the practice of love for God,
others, and ourselves.
We recognize that, in the past, we have made
other things more important than love. We
practice healing anything in us that is less than
love so that we can, instead, practice consciously
living love, with every breath.
We gather together regularly to remind
ourselves of the importance of love. Our
gatherings are peer led. We encourage our
members to organize both regular and special
gatherings.
For more information, visit:
http://loversintraining.org
This is my commandment — Love one another
as I have loved you. — John 13: 12
Christian Tantra
For more information about Christian Tantra,
visit:
http://loversintraining.org/christian-tantra
Closeness in Love™ - 2nd Draft - Rev. 10/09/09 - Page 107
Inner Peace
Most of the steps of Healing the Me I See in You™
come from the Inner Peace process. Inner Peace is a
more advanced process, and is only recommended
for people who have had steady and stable
success with Healing the Me I See in You™.
For more information about Inner Peace, visit:
http://innerpeace.org
Inner Peace is free and open source software
released under the GNU General Public License.
There are no suggested donations for anything
and nothing is for sale.
HeartLand Aramaic Mission
The inspiration for the Healing the Me I See in You™
process comes from the work of HeartLand Aramaic
Mission. HeartLand's website is:
http://whyagain.com
There is a lot of free information on this
website, including a free downloadable copy of the
book, Why Is This Happening to Me... Again?! There
are free downloadable PDF worksheets of another
process that helps heal, in us, the problems we
see in others, called the Reality Management
Worksheet. There is also an online version of it.
Closeness in Love™ - 2nd Draft - Rev. 10/09/09 - Page 108
Books
We do not sell any books or anything else. The
books listed below are widely available best selling
classics. They have been around so long you can
even find used ones on the Internet for less than
the cost of mailing them to you.
We have found them helpful. You may, too.
The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work™
Most bookstores have shelf after shelf of books on
marriage and relationships. Few of them are
based upon much research. The Seven Principles for
Making Marriage Work™, by John Gottman, is based
upon more research than most of the others on
those shelves combined.
Fighting for Your Marriage
Three of Gottman's students, Howard Markman, Scott
Stanley, and Susan Blumberg took some of Gottman's
research and applied it to couples. They found out
that all relationships have conflicts. It's how we
handle those conflicts that makes the difference.
Fighting for Your Marriage has some excellent tools
for handling the conflicts that come up in
relationships.
Closeness in Love™ - 2nd Draft - Rev. 10/09/09 - Page 109
Keeping The Love You Find
Keeping The Love You Find, by Harville Hendrix, was
where we first learned about couples tending to
have mismatched desires for closeness and the
idea of closeness healing partners. While the book
is written mostly for singles, it has a lot of
information about relationships that can be
applied to marriages, too.
Getting The Love You Want
Getting The Love You Want was the book that made
Harville Hendrix famous. This is his first book, and
it was written for couples. Single people looking to
create a relationship can get a lot out of it, too.
Born to Win
Born to Win, by Muriel James and Dorothy
Jongeward, is a fun and inspiring book. It's not
written specifically for couples, but there are
many tools in it that you can use to write a better
script for your relationship than the one you are
living.
Closeness in Love™ - 2nd Draft - Rev. 10/09/09 - Page 110
Appendix B
Sources of this Work
It is possible that older sources exist for some of
what's in this book. The sources listed are where
we got our information from.
Mismatched Desires For Closeness
The concept of the conflicting drives for closeness
and separation came from Harville Hendrix. In his
book Keeping the Love You Find, he discusses, in
great detail, the concept that people couple up for
the purpose of healing.
In his experience, people who tend to respond
to their unhealed wounds by separating
themselves from others and people who respond
to their unhealed wounds by coming closer to
somebody tend to couple up. Of course, as a
relationship therapist, he would tend to see people
with troubled relationships.
Closeness in Love™ - 2nd Draft - Rev. 10/09/09 - Page 111
Closeness Healing Partners
The idea of closeness healing partners also came
from Harville Hendrix. In Keeping the Love You Find,
he suggests that single people practice relating
and healing techniques with the people they are
dating while searching for their marriage
partners.
Venn Diagrams
The seven Venn diagrams come from Arthur Aron,
Elaine Aron, & Danny Smollan. In 1992 they did a
research study on couples using these seven Venn
diagrams. They wrote a paper about it called
Inclusion of Other in the Self Scale and the Structure
of Interpersonal Closeness that was published in the
Journal of Personality and Social Psychology.
The Aaron's, particularly Arthur, have since done
much more extensive research and writing on the
subject of closeness in couples.
Healing the Me I See in You™
Healing the Me I See in You™ stands on the
shoulders of many giants. The seed inspiration for
the process comes from the work of HeartLand
Aramaic Mission. It is an adaptation of the
HeartLand work on forgiveness.
Closeness in Love™ - 2nd Draft - Rev. 10/09/09 - Page 112
Most of the steps in the process are adaptations
of steps from the Inner Peace process.
The instruction for feeling both emotionally and
in your body is an adaptation of the concept,
taught in the early twentieth century by the
mystic, G.I. Gurdjieff, that humans were three
brained beings. In the mid twentieth century, Paul
MacLean brought this concept more into the
mainstream with his writings on the triune brain.
The step for dealing with something similar to
an unresolved event is an adaptation of a concept
from the early works of Freud, who opened the
idea exploring our areas of emotional distress for
the purposes of healing them.
Inner Peace
Inner Peace is based, mostly, on NLP, which was
developed by Richard Bandler and John Grinder and
popularized by Tony Robbins.
Some of the components, such as the Zoom
Lens Tool and the idea of feeling both emotionally,
were included in Healing the Me I See in You™, and
come from the same sources.
Issue Finding
The issue finding techniques were inspired by
George Orwell. In his book, 1984, one of the ways
Closeness in Love™ - 2nd Draft - Rev. 10/09/09 - Page 113
that Big Brother controlled people was to torture
them with their worst fear.
We don't need Big Brother or anybody else to
torture us with our worst fears. We do it to
ourselves all the time.
When Would Now Be a Good Time?
The question, "When would now be a good time?"
is based upon an NLP, and comes from Awakening
the Giant Within by Tony Robbins.
Feelings Exercise
The feelings exercise is a slight variation of an
almost identical exercise used by HeartLand
Aramaic Mission in many of the HeartLand
workshops.
Lovers In Training Statement of Being
Lovers In Training™ Statement of Being was inspired
by Alcoholics Anonymous, the The Religious Society of
Friends, and the work of HeartLand Aramaic Mission.
Christian Tantra
The concept of Christian Tantra has been around
for centuries. Virato, the host of the radio show,
Closeness in Love™ - 2nd Draft - Rev. 10/09/09 - Page 114
Virato Live, is one person who has spoken and
written about it a lot in the 21 st Century is
The inspiration for adding it to this book came
from Arthur Aron. When we told him we were
putting this book together, he said that there was
one thing he would especially recommend that we
include in it. He said that, in all his years of
research, he found that the best thing couples
could do to bring more closeness into their
relationships was "shared participation in novel
and arousing activities." He sent us the report on
it called Couples' Shared Participation in Novel and
Arousing Activities and Experienced Relationship
Quality, which was published in 2000 in the
Journal of Personality and Social Psychology.
So, we sent him the link to the section on the
Lovers In Training™ website about Christian Tantra.
His response was, "I love it." So, we included a
chapter about it in the book.
All Shall Be Well
The prayer, All Shall Be Well, was written by the
14 th Century English mystic Julian of Norwich.
Howard Hanger, founder and pastor of Jubilee
Community Church, has written music to go with
these words.
Closeness in Love™ - 2nd Draft - Rev. 10/09/09 - Page 115
Lovers in Training™ does not solicit
donations. When other charities
do, think of us.
Closeness in Love™ - 2nd Draft - Rev. 10/09/09 - Page 116
Appendix C
Copies of this Book
Closeness in Love™ is a free, open content book
published under the Creative Commons Share Alike
License. Feel free to copy and share it. You can also
sell it, either to cover your costs or you can even
make a profit on it. Free downloads are available
for various printing options. Up to date info about
the book is online at:
http://loversintraining.org/closeness-in-love
Updates
This book is a living document. As new
developments come out, it will be updated. You
can sign up for announcements of major updates
at:
http://loversintraining.org/closeness-in-love
Closeness in Love™ - 2nd Draft - Rev. 10/09/09 - Page 117
Other Languages
Currently, English is the only language available.
We encourage translations in any language. If you
are a native speaker of any other language and
can translate this work, or know somebody who
can, please go ahead and get it translated. As you
learn of any translations, please post the links to
them at:
http://loversintraining.org/contact.html
Audio and Video
We encourage you to make audio and video
versions of Closeness in Love™. Perhaps you can
make home videos of one or two of your favorite
scenes and post them on the Internet. Send us
the links, and somebody can compile them into a
group created home movie. Please keep your
scenes PG- 13 rated or lighter.
Please post the links to your audio and videos of
this book at:
http://loversintraining.org/contact.html
Closeness in Love™ - 2nd Draft - Rev. 10/09/09 - Page 118
Appendix D
Supporting this Work
Prayer
The best way you can help us is with your
prayers. With prayer, all things are possible.
Do Your Own Healing
Do the Healing the Me I See in You™ process
regularly. After you get steady and stable gains
with it, use the Inner Peace process. Use the other
exercises in this book.
Share Healing with Your Friends
Teach your friends the process, Healing the Me I
See in You™. Get together with them and inspire
each other to do it. Invite others to do the same.
Start healing groups, even if it's with just a few
friends. Let your groups grow as the healing
Closeness in Love™ - 2nd Draft - Rev. 10/09/09 - Page 119
grows. Some of your best healing will come from
sharing healing with others.
Media Help
Get word out to the media about this book. Even if
you think somebody else has already contacted a
media source, do it anyway. Get the media to
notice this work.
Get interviewed by the media. The only
qualification you need is to want to be a better
lover - of God, your neighbors, and yourself. You
are qualified to do that.
Graphics and Videos
Any graphics you can do that help spread this
work would be appreciated. Videos would be great,
too. Get creative.
Internet Networking
Spread word about this book on blogs,
newsgroups, comment sections on stories,
directories, and all kinds of other places on the
Internet.
Closeness in Love™ - 2nd Draft - Rev. 10/09/09 - Page 120
Personal Networking
Tell people to tell people to tell people about this
book, the healing that is possible for them, and
the love they can live. Old fashioned word of
mouth still works great.
Translations
Help us to translate this book into other
languages. Please share it with people who speak
other languages natively besides English.
Encourage them to translate it into their native
language or pass it on to somebody who can.
Nonprofit Legal and Organizational Help
We are a brand new organization. Each local
Lovers in Training community will be its own self
governing organization. In each country, that
means different laws to deal with. Even in the U.S.
there are some state laws to deal with.
We will also want to properly register our name,
logo, and other intellectual properties, so that
people will know, wherever they go, that they are
dealing with us and local communities under our
umbrella. At the same time, we also want to make
our teachings widely available for reproduction all
over the world under open content licenses for
Closeness in Love™ - 2nd Draft - Rev. 10/09/09 - Page 121
every country. If you or anybody you know can
help us with any of this kind of thing, we would
really appreciate it.
Financially Supporting This Work
Our work is entirely supported by your generous
donations, which are gratefully accepted, but
never requested.
Online donations may be made at:
http://loversintraining.org/donate
Donations may be mailed to:
Lovers in Training
PO Box 847
Burnsville NC 28714
We sell nothing. Nothing we offer even has a
suggested donation.
When you get fundraising requests from other
charities, think of us.
Closeness in Love™ - 2nd Draft - Rev. 10/09/09 - Page 122
Live Music Archive
Librivox Free Audio
Metropolitan Museum
Cleveland Museum of Art
Internet Arcade
Console Living Room
Books to Borrow
Open Library
TV News
Understanding 9/11